An Eternal, Unforgettable Love

My Mother was the inspiration behind Consciously HER. Having her as my Mom has been my greatest blessing and I am so grateful to have had her by my side for the first 30 years of my life. Since she passed though, I have felt lost more times than I am proud to admit. How cruel could life be that it would rip the very foundation from under my feet before I had the chance to confront some of life’s greatest tests. I have prayed for a cheat code – her stories. The stories she shared, the ones she didn't, and the ones she was saving for just the right time. I am finally realizing that her love, her eternal love, is all I have ever needed. It has always been ever present, tangible, and it continues to protect me and lift me up when I need it most.

A Graduate’s Solace

I remember I couldn’t wait to show her my graduation invitations. She had been telling everyone who would listen that her daughter was getting her Master’s in Civil Engineering. To my surprise, she cried at the site of my invitations because she, “was so proud.” Now, I realize that part of the reason she cried may have been because she knew she wouldn’t physically be there to see me walk the stage. She passed away one month before I collected my degree. Needless to say, I silently cried during my entire graduation ceremony because the person who instilled in me the desire to be a lifelong learner, was not there. By the Grace of God, that year graduation fell on Mother’s Day Weekend. For that entire weekend I was surrounded by all the mothers who have loved me and supported me my whole life. It was exactly what I needed to get through the day. I felt her love come through all the mothers’ hearts because I knew they wanted to be there for me, not just celebrate my accomplishment.  On top of that, and something I realized years later, I graduated on International Nurses Day. This day was so special to my Mom who was a proud Registered Nurse. I know it was a sign that she was very much with me, sharing my day, taking pride in our accomplishment, and not allowing me to be overcome by heartache.

A Bride's Winter Wedding Wish

My husband and I had the most beautiful winter wedding. It was filled with so much love and to this day I have never attended an event whose dance floor was full beginning to end. Still though, the pain of losing my Mom just eight months prior was present within most of our guests. The only time I was able to be to myself and talk to her was while getting my hair done. There were several times I took a glimpse in the mirror and saw her face where mine should have been. I never thought I looked like my Mom until that day in which I saw her in my gaze. I don’t think I uttered a single word while the hairdresser did my hair. If I did, I don’t remember any of them. That was mine and Mom’s time and it was during that exact time, that snow flurries began to fall in the desert. I know it was God, but I have no doubt that it was also my Mom telling me she heard me, felt me and that she just had to make my winter wedding as perfect as possible. And it was.

A Dimple in Time

Years before I had even met my husband, my Mom knew I was going to have a daughter. She would proudly say that just like I was my grandma’s best friend, my daughter would be hers. She even bought her a jewelry box, fairytale books, and Christmas decorations all of which are in our daughter’s room now. On one occasion she expressed her hope that my daughter would have her dimple since nobody else in the family had it. For a reason I couldn’t explain until I had my daughter Béya, it always stuck with me. Fast forward to the day I gave birth, and remembering what my Mom said that one time, I anxiously examined my daughter’s face hoping for the sign that a tangible part of my Mom was also a part of her. To my brief disappointment, our baby girl didn’t have my Mom’s dimple. I quickly reminded myself that I didn’t need a sign to know that my Mom was still with me and my baby. But still, while in my most vulnerable state when I desperately needed my Mama, it felt like hope gone. A few days after giving birth, I began looking through my maternity shoot photos and was in disbelief when I noticed a big dimple on my right cheek. The exact place my Mom had hers. I looked at the next photo, it was still there. I told myself I hadn’t blended my makeup well enough or that it must have been the lighting. I had never had a dimple before so it just couldn’t appear randomly. I searched for a photo taken while I was in the hospital with Béya. Surely, my makeup free face would reveal whether I had a dimple or not. And I did. Immediately, I couldn’t hold back my tears even though I tried. It didn’t take long for me to correlate the fact that my Mama’s dimple appeared on my face at the point in my pregnancy where things started to get stressful. When I needed her most, she was with me, her baby, and she was with me the entire time.

Often, I ask myself if these “signs” are just my imagination. Just coincidences driven by my grief and a deep yearning to place my love for my Mom somewhere. But my faith reminds me that coincidences don’t exist. And for the skeptics: if our entire universe operates by obeying scientific laws, if matter and energy cannot be created or destroyed, then neither can a mother’s love be destroyed by death … it can only be transformed.  That transformation, in whatever way it appears in our lives, is here to help us along our journey so that we don’t ever need a cheat code.  We have their stories, their lessons, their prayers and most importantly, their love within us and that is enough. So yes, I truly believe that our loved ones stay with us. I truly believe that their love is eternal and if we are blessed enough, they make it impossible to forget.

Consciously Yours,

Mel